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I have had it.
I have goddamn HAD it with some of you people.
Aurora. Newtown. Nova Scotia. Sandy Hook. Steubenville. Boston. And so many, many more.
THESE ARE TRAGEDIES, PEOPLE.
We are talking about people and communities who have had their lives RIPPED APART, invariably by some sick f*** with their own agenda that has absolutely NOTHING to do with decency, humanity, or any other redeeming feature.
And in several of these instances, individuals have even lost their lives.
Let me say that again for the intelligence/compassion-impaired.
PEOPLE HAVE DIED, YOU STUPID JACKASSES.
Some of these were CHILDREN. They should be out playing with their friends, sneaking cookies when their parents 'weren't looking' and secretly wondering if vegetables are an alien conspiracy, plotting about how to get their stuffed animals to do their homework, daydreaming about their futures.
THEY'RE DEAD.
And in CASE you missed it, through those blinders you have on, THEIR ONLY CRIME WAS THAT THEY WERE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED.
This most recent clusterf*** in Boston - LOOK AT IT. This was a celebration of life and challenge and commitment until two explosives injured over a hundred people and killed three more. INCLUDING A CHILD.
And while bystanders ran INTO the chaos to try and help, while strangers helped strangers deal with loss of limb (or in some cases loss of life), while countless people across the nation flocked to donate blood or offer a place to stay or provide wi-fi so that panicking loved ones could perhaps get through to hear the message, "It's okay, I'm fine"...
You immediately swarmed onto social media outlets to spew your hate-filled, paranoid, and inhumane vitriolic BILE.
And worst of all, you couldn't, for once in your lives, do the DECENT thing and leave your nation, creed, sociopolitical idealogies, racism, self-important morality, inferiority complexes, conspiracy theories, and whatnot OUT of the situation. Oh, no. No, of course not.
CAN'T YOU SET YOUR OWN F***ING BULLSHIT AGENDAS ASIDE FOR ONE DAY AND *PRETEND* TO BE HUMAN BEINGS?!
Shove your goddamn superiority up your ass, pull your head OUT of it, and do something USEFUL.
ESPECIALLY all you self-righteous asshats - yes, YOU. You want to impress me? GET ON A GODDAMN PLANE TO BOSTON RIGHT NOW. Go stand in Copley Square (assuming the police will even let you through), and look at it. There's blood on the ground, shrapnel everywhere, broken glass and police tape and I'm sure if you breathe, you can still smell horror in the air. And when you're done actually facing the reality of what happened, find a hospital nearby. Just pick one. There are families there waiting to find out if their loved ones will be all right. Bring them coffee, offer rides, or better yet, just LISTEN to them. Listen to their fears and their prayers. Don't say a goddamn word about your politics, your opinions, nothing. In fact, don't say anything at all.
No, I take that back. You can say four words. "Please, let me help."
And as for all the rest of you crusaders...
That whole 'right to bear arms' - fine. Get certified as a gun safety instructor, and then volunteer through your local police department to teach gun safety to parents and children at schools in your community. And practice what you preach - show you're responsible f***ing adults and that you view the weapons in your house with respect, not as a symbol of your so-called freedom.
Rape culture - you have sons? Teach them how to respect women. Be an example - if you're a mom, show that ANY profession you undertake, be it CEO or stay-at-home mother, is worthy of respect, and that women are not OBJECTS. If you're a father, teach your sons that they can appreciate beauty without having the need to stomp their masculine superiority all over it, destroying it and themselves in the process. You have daughters? Teach them that they are just as strong as their brothers, just as capable, and just as responsible for their own actions. "Just because everyone else is doing it" isn't an excuse. "The other person is drunk" isn't an excuse. "I'll lose all my friends if I argue" isn't an excuse. Own your f***king actions, and to hell with everyone else. Sex is a powerful, wonderful, intense experience - it can be funny, it can be awkward, it can be beautiful. IT SHOULD NOT BE HARMFUL, DESTRUCTIVE, OR VIOLENT.
Natural disaster - get out of the safety of your own homes, go to where you are needed. Volunteer and show that just because you 'have', it doesn't make you any better than those who 'don't have', ESPECIALLY AFTER A F***ING HURRICANE JUST DESTROYED THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD.
Political ideologies - Believe whatever the hell you want. But instead of catering to the lowest common denominator of intelligence, instead of appealing to that id-survival-me-against-the-whole-world mentality, SHOW what makes your ideology better. Education, health, whatever the hell it is - get out in your neighborhood and try to make a difference.
And let me tell you - I've already put my ideologies where my mouth is. I have donated my time, my energy, my money, and my blood more times than I can count. Instead of tearing down ethnic or social groups, I have helped put up houses, cleaned up neighborhoods, and improved schools. I have volunteered repeatedly over the course of my life, in numerous ways, to help out those when they need it. Because instead of subscribing to the selfish me-me-me ego-stroking mindset that I HAVE and I'm ENTITLED to it, I am GRATEFUL that I have.
So, news flash to you people. The vast majority of people on this planet of ours are good, honest, DECENT PEOPLE. YOU are the minority.
Get with the program.
I have goddamn HAD it with some of you people.
Aurora. Newtown. Nova Scotia. Sandy Hook. Steubenville. Boston. And so many, many more.
THESE ARE TRAGEDIES, PEOPLE.
We are talking about people and communities who have had their lives RIPPED APART, invariably by some sick f*** with their own agenda that has absolutely NOTHING to do with decency, humanity, or any other redeeming feature.
And in several of these instances, individuals have even lost their lives.
Let me say that again for the intelligence/compassion-impaired.
PEOPLE HAVE DIED, YOU STUPID JACKASSES.
Some of these were CHILDREN. They should be out playing with their friends, sneaking cookies when their parents 'weren't looking' and secretly wondering if vegetables are an alien conspiracy, plotting about how to get their stuffed animals to do their homework, daydreaming about their futures.
THEY'RE DEAD.
And in CASE you missed it, through those blinders you have on, THEIR ONLY CRIME WAS THAT THEY WERE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED.
This most recent clusterf*** in Boston - LOOK AT IT. This was a celebration of life and challenge and commitment until two explosives injured over a hundred people and killed three more. INCLUDING A CHILD.
And while bystanders ran INTO the chaos to try and help, while strangers helped strangers deal with loss of limb (or in some cases loss of life), while countless people across the nation flocked to donate blood or offer a place to stay or provide wi-fi so that panicking loved ones could perhaps get through to hear the message, "It's okay, I'm fine"...
You immediately swarmed onto social media outlets to spew your hate-filled, paranoid, and inhumane vitriolic BILE.
And worst of all, you couldn't, for once in your lives, do the DECENT thing and leave your nation, creed, sociopolitical idealogies, racism, self-important morality, inferiority complexes, conspiracy theories, and whatnot OUT of the situation. Oh, no. No, of course not.
CAN'T YOU SET YOUR OWN F***ING BULLSHIT AGENDAS ASIDE FOR ONE DAY AND *PRETEND* TO BE HUMAN BEINGS?!
Shove your goddamn superiority up your ass, pull your head OUT of it, and do something USEFUL.
ESPECIALLY all you self-righteous asshats - yes, YOU. You want to impress me? GET ON A GODDAMN PLANE TO BOSTON RIGHT NOW. Go stand in Copley Square (assuming the police will even let you through), and look at it. There's blood on the ground, shrapnel everywhere, broken glass and police tape and I'm sure if you breathe, you can still smell horror in the air. And when you're done actually facing the reality of what happened, find a hospital nearby. Just pick one. There are families there waiting to find out if their loved ones will be all right. Bring them coffee, offer rides, or better yet, just LISTEN to them. Listen to their fears and their prayers. Don't say a goddamn word about your politics, your opinions, nothing. In fact, don't say anything at all.
No, I take that back. You can say four words. "Please, let me help."
And as for all the rest of you crusaders...
That whole 'right to bear arms' - fine. Get certified as a gun safety instructor, and then volunteer through your local police department to teach gun safety to parents and children at schools in your community. And practice what you preach - show you're responsible f***ing adults and that you view the weapons in your house with respect, not as a symbol of your so-called freedom.
Rape culture - you have sons? Teach them how to respect women. Be an example - if you're a mom, show that ANY profession you undertake, be it CEO or stay-at-home mother, is worthy of respect, and that women are not OBJECTS. If you're a father, teach your sons that they can appreciate beauty without having the need to stomp their masculine superiority all over it, destroying it and themselves in the process. You have daughters? Teach them that they are just as strong as their brothers, just as capable, and just as responsible for their own actions. "Just because everyone else is doing it" isn't an excuse. "The other person is drunk" isn't an excuse. "I'll lose all my friends if I argue" isn't an excuse. Own your f***king actions, and to hell with everyone else. Sex is a powerful, wonderful, intense experience - it can be funny, it can be awkward, it can be beautiful. IT SHOULD NOT BE HARMFUL, DESTRUCTIVE, OR VIOLENT.
Natural disaster - get out of the safety of your own homes, go to where you are needed. Volunteer and show that just because you 'have', it doesn't make you any better than those who 'don't have', ESPECIALLY AFTER A F***ING HURRICANE JUST DESTROYED THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD.
Political ideologies - Believe whatever the hell you want. But instead of catering to the lowest common denominator of intelligence, instead of appealing to that id-survival-me-against-the-whole-world mentality, SHOW what makes your ideology better. Education, health, whatever the hell it is - get out in your neighborhood and try to make a difference.
And let me tell you - I've already put my ideologies where my mouth is. I have donated my time, my energy, my money, and my blood more times than I can count. Instead of tearing down ethnic or social groups, I have helped put up houses, cleaned up neighborhoods, and improved schools. I have volunteered repeatedly over the course of my life, in numerous ways, to help out those when they need it. Because instead of subscribing to the selfish me-me-me ego-stroking mindset that I HAVE and I'm ENTITLED to it, I am GRATEFUL that I have.
So, news flash to you people. The vast majority of people on this planet of ours are good, honest, DECENT PEOPLE. YOU are the minority.
Get with the program.
- Current Mood:
angry
Dear "Jane,"
You're not alone.
Not by a long shot.
You see, albeit with a few differences, I have been where you are right now, in that I am also a rape survivor. And I was sixteen years old when it happened. Since I can't go back in time and tell any of this to my younger self, I *can* at least tell you. And maybe I can help you avoid many of the mistakes I made as a result of what had happened.
Right now, not only must you deal with the harsh reality of what has happened to you, you are also dealing with the brutal public scrutiny of a nation and a world. That, I cannot even begin to imagine; to be honest, I'm not sure I even want to. I've read both the public outpouring of support, and the public flood of vitriolic, hateful bile that has come your way. (I can only pray that you are embracing the former, and ignoring the latter.) But if you are anything like I was, you are wondering, almost obsessively, if it really was your fault.
The answer is no.
To clarify that, as to whether or not you should have been drinking, that... okay, yes, not the best decision you could have made. But what happened as a result... no. What other people do is not your fault. They had no more right to drag you around, film you, subject you to the physical and emotional abuse you underwent, any more than they had a right to pick up a loaded gun and blow your head off, just because you were drunk. Had they been even remotely decent human beings, they would have found one of your friends and said, "She's had too much. Take her home." Instead, they indulged in petty, brutal, mindless self-indulgence. And that is not your fault, either.
You are also probably wondering if this has 'devalued' you in some way - that you are no longer worth anyone's love, affection, trust, or respect.
The answer is no.
This has not cheapened you, it does not make you any less deserving of the fundamental dignity, compassion, and self-worth that is every human being's right. It does not make you a slut, it does not make you worthless, it does not do anything save make you aware that, well, some people are just assholes.
And most of all, you're wondering, "What happens now?"
The answer is, "You survive."
I've always held the philosophy that there is existing, surviving, and living. Existing is where you do just that - you exist. Your life has all the excitement and meaning of plate glass. You are just... there. Survival is getting through the day, one day at a time. Your focus is on putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward inch by inch toward whatever your goals may be. That is what you must do right now - you must weather this storm, and focus on getting through it and past it.
Then comes living. Living is where you find joy, sorrow, anger, laughter, passion, and beauty in the world around you and *within* you. Of the three, it's the hardest to do, but it's the most rewarding. And one day, hopefully soon, this is what you'll be doing.
Right here, right now, you are alive. Everything else is negotiable. And you must negotiate it on your terms, not anyone else's. It won't be quick, it won't be pleasant, and God only knows, it won't be easy. But it *can* be done. And I can say that with absolute, unwavering conviction because I have done it myself.
*****
In my case, I was stone-cold sober. And I was beaten and raped, more than once, by my fiance. The single biggest difference, however, was that no one else knew - not my parents, not my friends, not my teachers. Nobody. I couldn't tell anyone, first because he'd threatened to hurt my family if I did, and second because I was too ashamed. But third... because I had literally blocked it out of my memory after a short while. If I couldn't remember it, it didn't happen. Or so I thought. Until two years later when I got to college, and the memories started coming back. And the self-sabotaging that I had been subconsciously doing for the previous two years became insignificant to the conscious self-sabotaging I began at that point.
My grades went down, my health went from pretty good to abysmal, and I began drinking. (I luckily avoided drugs, apart from one spectacularly bizarre incident with secondhand marijuana smoke at a Rush concert, but that's another story.) I wrote reams of bad poetry and would cry for hours over minor things. I had regular nightmares that I couldn't remember when I woke the next morning. I would skip classes for days at a time and sleep twenty hours a day. I had one casual sexual involvement after another. Worse, I went from one abusive relationship to another - both physical and emotional abuse. I figured that since I was already damaged goods, no one would want me for anything more, and even if they did, it wasn't like I deserved anything good, anyway.
It all came to a head when I was twenty-two, when I tried to kill myself. (My third suicide attempt, by the way - the first two were during my junior and senior years of high school.) I took a bottle of sleeping pills washed down with about a fifth of Everclear. By all accounts, I *should* have died. But I didn't. All that happened was I woke up the following morning, not even so much as hung over, staring at the ceiling, completely mystified at why the afterlife looked like my apartment. For a moment, I honestly thought I was in hell.
Suffice to say, my friends were not at *all* happy with me when they found out about it. They were angry, they were hurt, but most of all, they were disappointed. That hurt worst of all. These were my friends - people I cared about, and who cared about me. And I had just let them all down in the most blatant, self-centered way possible.
So... I chose to change.
It wasn't easy, let me tell you. I had a lot of negative habits to undo, a lot of physical and psychological damage to repair, but eventually, I did it. I stopped drinking, I started studying again, I got myself back into better shape. I still made mistakes, though, when it came to relationships. However, three years later, when the next one turned abusive, this time, I picked up the phone, called a friend, and begged, "Come get me." He came and got me. It was the last abusive relationship I was ever in. And with that, I was finally free.
It has now been twenty-two years since that first terrible night. I finished graduate school, graduating magna cum laude. I have a good career doing something I enjoy, and a sideline business doing something I love. I am happily married to a good man (our tenth anniversary was this past September). I have a circle of close friends who are good men and women I am proud to call my friends. I have a much wider circle of people I've met online through games I play (we've met in person, too). And while I'm more overweight than I'm really happy with, I have a pretty good self-image and am happy about myself.
*****
So no matter what anyone else says, no matter what dark whispers and doubts you may endure... you will survive. And you will *live.* If nothing else, it's said that "the best revenge is living well." Don't let them take that away from you. No matter what they have done to your body, your soul is far, far stronger than you might believe. Draw strength from what you can - pray, if you wish. (I won't presume to tell you how; seek the comfort of the divine in whatever form you believe, or if you're more of a humanist, draw comfort from knowing that human beings are, to quote Doctor Who, "indomitable.") Discover an outlet for yourself - something creative, something athletic, anything that you can use as a release for your emotions. Find those precious moments of beauty and love and laughter, and celebrate them. And know that there *are* people out there who believe in you.
If you ever want to talk to me, I'm here. You can send me a private message here, find me on Twitter (I'm there as @Samuraiko), whatever works for you. I will do my utmost to listen, and give you what comfort and support that I can. (So will my husband, for that matter, if you want proof that there are good men out there.)
Survive, and live.
You're not alone, Jane.
Your friend,
Michelle Travis
- Current Mood:
sympathetic
I have been and always will be a misfit, all-intelligence-and-no-wisdom, socially graceless geek. It's like there's a part of me that got frozen at 15. Don't know why. Even at 38, I'm still waiting to wake up one day and feel like an ADULT. Hasn't happened yet. I was reading the New York Times at age five (comprehension by about age ten). Read dictionaries and encyclopedias for fun. Had an IQ of 135 by age twelve. In short, I was an ideal gamer.
Not surprisingly, gaming has always been one of my greatest creative inspirations and outlets. My characters weren't just stats - they had pasts and futures, hopes and dreams and aspirations. From a barfly mercenary to a futuristic Church assassin, if it was weird and wonderful, I'd play it. And I'd write for it. Boy, did I write.
Or rather, I did... and then I stopped.
You see, back in 2007, when I was a technical writer for a certain company, I was a VERY prolific fiction/short story writer in my spare time. I never understood the concept of writers' block, because ideas just flowed. (Not necessarily GOOD ones, but even bad stories make for good practice if I learn from them.) A hundred stories on FanFiction.net ALONE (never mind the stories I wrote that don't appear there)!
But there was a supervisor who belittled everything I did - my work, my attitude, my goals... and eventually, my writing. Both my tech work and my fiction. She was the only person who did it, but because she was my boss, her opinion carried a lot more weight. And slowly, inevitably, I lost confidence in my writing, until I couldn't write anymore. I literally could not sit and create. Because every time I'd start, I would catch myself looking over my shoulder for her, waiting for her to appear out of nowhere and start yelling at me.
I didn't write fiction for over a year and a half. Even writing the stories of my gaming characters during that time period was hard.
Enter City of Heroes, which I began playing on my husband's account in March of 2007. Once I was able to play longer than five minutes at a stretch without becoming violently ill from motion sickness, I eventually got my own account. I was hooked. The character creator... the storylines... the other people I got to know... the GAME... I began a five-year love affair with COH. And it inspired me to make videos for it and with it, teasers and trailers and music videos and parodies, and a whole new creative world opened up to me.
But in the back of my mind, I still missed writing, even though I was afraid to do it anymore.
Then one day in June 2008, I helped an SG mate fight Anti-Matter (he was playing Leading Lady, an invuln/energy tank, I was on Agent Tavarisch, my infamous no-I-don't-have-Speed-Boost grav/kin controller), and after a knockdown, dragout, throw-everything-INCLUDING-the-kitchen-s
"This is Agent Tavarisch... da, we just finished fighting your Praetorian counterpart... I was able to scan his armor, do you want a copy of the report? Good... yes, coffee would be terrific. Tonight? Fine. Da, don't worry, you're still better looking. Goodbye."
Talyn was howling at this, and as soon as the rest of the SG logged in, he immediately told everyone how Tava was secretly in love with Positron, of course.
And thus a new story idea was born. I wanted to write it... I REALLY wanted to write it... my SG mates wanted me to... But could I? I stalled by saying I was too busy. I stalled by saying nobody would want to read it. Hell, I stalled by PMing Positron and Hero 1 and asking a few questions about the character and whether it'd be okay if I did, so that I'd have an excuse not to write it if Matt said no.
Although I'm sure he has regretted it in the days since, Matt said yes (thank you, Matt), and Hero 1 (after checking with Matt about the finer details) sent me answers to all my questions. There went that excuse. And I was no longer at said company by that point - in fact, my new boss at my new job was amazingly supportive about me writing in my spare time (and had no objections to me writing at work when we were between projects). I think it helped that he was also a massive gamer. Action figures all over his office, gamer art all over the walls... yeah. So no excuse there either.
So on October 8th, 2008 (a day that shall live in infamy), I posted a little story, told from Positron's POV, about an upcoming date. That became the first chapter of THE COURSE OF SUPERHERO ROMANCE: A TALE OF NERD FLIRTING. (Yes, that is in fact the sub-title of the book. *I* did not name it that - my readers on the City of Heroes forum did. It kinda stuck.)
Over the course of writing TCOSR, Tava and another character of mine (the irrepressible love-'em-and-leave-'em Andrea Blake) took on lives of their own, their character backstories becoming much more layered and complicated. In-game lore was expanded upon (not to mention HEAVILY researched and checked), and new ideas created within it. By May 17th, 2009, the story clocked in at 44 chapters and something like 183,000 words. Somewhere in there, I realized it was going to be a trilogy, so on July 17th, 2009, TCOSR II: COURTSHIP AND CRIME FIGHTING was begun. That book is now up to nine chapters, 27k words (and chapter 10 is in the works). It's taken longer thanks to job changes, schedule changes... a major crisis of confidence when the official lore now stated that Positron and Numina were a couple...
No joke - I was paranoid enough to wonder if Matt Miller and John Hegner had done it on purpose as a way to get me stop writing TCOSR. Thankfully, my more level-headed (read: sane) friends pointed out that if Matt hadn't gotten around to telling me to stop after the first few chapters of Book I, this could hardly be directed at me. So, with the help of a couple other lore fanatics (they know who they are), I eventually determined that my books were set approximately one year prior to current in-game events, which would then allow for Posi and Tava to split in some fashion, freeing him up for Numina by the end of Book III. (In my heart, I still don't buy the NumiTron pairing, but I digress.)
And so I kept writing. I had art done for the series. It became part of our SG lore. And it spawned several video ideas (one of which actually got made just for them).
And somewhere along the way, writing became FUN again. It was an incredibly liberating feeling. To put it in COH terms, it was like the first day my character gained Flight. I never wanted to stop.
Which is why, when I learned RIGHT AFTER a job interview that City of Heroes was being shut down, it was like a violent kick in the stomach. Honest to God, my first thought was that my husband was playing some cruel joke on me, and my second was, "But I have so many videos left to make! They can't do this!" I was barely able to drive home, and once I got there, I cried on and off for almost a solid week. I could barely even play without being overwhelmed by the impending loss of the game, the loss of all of my characters, and the loss of the COH community.
Without City of Heroes, I would never have created so many wonderful characters (and come up with so many hilariously punny names)... would never have had the courage to ask a developer if I could turn his main character into a romantic leading man... would never have regained the confidence and inspiration to discover machinima creation and RE-discover the joys of writing.
Beyond just the creative part, I would never have met several people who have become very close, very dear real-life friends as well, not to mention the COH community as a whole. They are some of the most generous, open, giving, hilarious, and wonderfully wonky people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. And they are just as much so in person as they are online, as I've learned at two HeroCons, two Player Summits, and at least three Meet and Greets.
(And let me tell you - while it's awesome when I meet other players for the first time and their first reaction is, "Oh my God, I love your videos!", it goes way beyond awesome and straight into sublimely surreal when the DEVELOPERS do that.)
COH was there for me when my husband and I were broke - entertainment that we could log into at any time (both together or separately), a shared passion that has gone on for fully half of our marriage. Even if I didn't actually play, I could log in and talk to any number of people around the world who were willing to listen, give advice, tell me jokes, and then run around with me pounding on stuff until I felt better. It is more than 'just a game'. It is a very dear, very important, very meaningful part of my life.
Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, "Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."
For me, then, home is City of Heroes.
Not surprisingly, gaming has always been one of my greatest creative inspirations and outlets. My characters weren't just stats - they had pasts and futures, hopes and dreams and aspirations. From a barfly mercenary to a futuristic Church assassin, if it was weird and wonderful, I'd play it. And I'd write for it. Boy, did I write.
Or rather, I did... and then I stopped.
You see, back in 2007, when I was a technical writer for a certain company, I was a VERY prolific fiction/short story writer in my spare time. I never understood the concept of writers' block, because ideas just flowed. (Not necessarily GOOD ones, but even bad stories make for good practice if I learn from them.) A hundred stories on FanFiction.net ALONE (never mind the stories I wrote that don't appear there)!
But there was a supervisor who belittled everything I did - my work, my attitude, my goals... and eventually, my writing. Both my tech work and my fiction. She was the only person who did it, but because she was my boss, her opinion carried a lot more weight. And slowly, inevitably, I lost confidence in my writing, until I couldn't write anymore. I literally could not sit and create. Because every time I'd start, I would catch myself looking over my shoulder for her, waiting for her to appear out of nowhere and start yelling at me.
I didn't write fiction for over a year and a half. Even writing the stories of my gaming characters during that time period was hard.
Enter City of Heroes, which I began playing on my husband's account in March of 2007. Once I was able to play longer than five minutes at a stretch without becoming violently ill from motion sickness, I eventually got my own account. I was hooked. The character creator... the storylines... the other people I got to know... the GAME... I began a five-year love affair with COH. And it inspired me to make videos for it and with it, teasers and trailers and music videos and parodies, and a whole new creative world opened up to me.
But in the back of my mind, I still missed writing, even though I was afraid to do it anymore.
Then one day in June 2008, I helped an SG mate fight Anti-Matter (he was playing Leading Lady, an invuln/energy tank, I was on Agent Tavarisch, my infamous no-I-don't-have-Speed-Boost grav/kin controller), and after a knockdown, dragout, throw-everything-INCLUDING-the-kitchen-s
"This is Agent Tavarisch... da, we just finished fighting your Praetorian counterpart... I was able to scan his armor, do you want a copy of the report? Good... yes, coffee would be terrific. Tonight? Fine. Da, don't worry, you're still better looking. Goodbye."
Talyn was howling at this, and as soon as the rest of the SG logged in, he immediately told everyone how Tava was secretly in love with Positron, of course.
And thus a new story idea was born. I wanted to write it... I REALLY wanted to write it... my SG mates wanted me to... But could I? I stalled by saying I was too busy. I stalled by saying nobody would want to read it. Hell, I stalled by PMing Positron and Hero 1 and asking a few questions about the character and whether it'd be okay if I did, so that I'd have an excuse not to write it if Matt said no.
Although I'm sure he has regretted it in the days since, Matt said yes (thank you, Matt), and Hero 1 (after checking with Matt about the finer details) sent me answers to all my questions. There went that excuse. And I was no longer at said company by that point - in fact, my new boss at my new job was amazingly supportive about me writing in my spare time (and had no objections to me writing at work when we were between projects). I think it helped that he was also a massive gamer. Action figures all over his office, gamer art all over the walls... yeah. So no excuse there either.
So on October 8th, 2008 (a day that shall live in infamy), I posted a little story, told from Positron's POV, about an upcoming date. That became the first chapter of THE COURSE OF SUPERHERO ROMANCE: A TALE OF NERD FLIRTING. (Yes, that is in fact the sub-title of the book. *I* did not name it that - my readers on the City of Heroes forum did. It kinda stuck.)
Over the course of writing TCOSR, Tava and another character of mine (the irrepressible love-'em-and-leave-'em Andrea Blake) took on lives of their own, their character backstories becoming much more layered and complicated. In-game lore was expanded upon (not to mention HEAVILY researched and checked), and new ideas created within it. By May 17th, 2009, the story clocked in at 44 chapters and something like 183,000 words. Somewhere in there, I realized it was going to be a trilogy, so on July 17th, 2009, TCOSR II: COURTSHIP AND CRIME FIGHTING was begun. That book is now up to nine chapters, 27k words (and chapter 10 is in the works). It's taken longer thanks to job changes, schedule changes... a major crisis of confidence when the official lore now stated that Positron and Numina were a couple...
No joke - I was paranoid enough to wonder if Matt Miller and John Hegner had done it on purpose as a way to get me stop writing TCOSR. Thankfully, my more level-headed (read: sane) friends pointed out that if Matt hadn't gotten around to telling me to stop after the first few chapters of Book I, this could hardly be directed at me. So, with the help of a couple other lore fanatics (they know who they are), I eventually determined that my books were set approximately one year prior to current in-game events, which would then allow for Posi and Tava to split in some fashion, freeing him up for Numina by the end of Book III. (In my heart, I still don't buy the NumiTron pairing, but I digress.)
And so I kept writing. I had art done for the series. It became part of our SG lore. And it spawned several video ideas (one of which actually got made just for them).
And somewhere along the way, writing became FUN again. It was an incredibly liberating feeling. To put it in COH terms, it was like the first day my character gained Flight. I never wanted to stop.
Which is why, when I learned RIGHT AFTER a job interview that City of Heroes was being shut down, it was like a violent kick in the stomach. Honest to God, my first thought was that my husband was playing some cruel joke on me, and my second was, "But I have so many videos left to make! They can't do this!" I was barely able to drive home, and once I got there, I cried on and off for almost a solid week. I could barely even play without being overwhelmed by the impending loss of the game, the loss of all of my characters, and the loss of the COH community.
Without City of Heroes, I would never have created so many wonderful characters (and come up with so many hilariously punny names)... would never have had the courage to ask a developer if I could turn his main character into a romantic leading man... would never have regained the confidence and inspiration to discover machinima creation and RE-discover the joys of writing.
Beyond just the creative part, I would never have met several people who have become very close, very dear real-life friends as well, not to mention the COH community as a whole. They are some of the most generous, open, giving, hilarious, and wonderfully wonky people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. And they are just as much so in person as they are online, as I've learned at two HeroCons, two Player Summits, and at least three Meet and Greets.
(And let me tell you - while it's awesome when I meet other players for the first time and their first reaction is, "Oh my God, I love your videos!", it goes way beyond awesome and straight into sublimely surreal when the DEVELOPERS do that.)
COH was there for me when my husband and I were broke - entertainment that we could log into at any time (both together or separately), a shared passion that has gone on for fully half of our marriage. Even if I didn't actually play, I could log in and talk to any number of people around the world who were willing to listen, give advice, tell me jokes, and then run around with me pounding on stuff until I felt better. It is more than 'just a game'. It is a very dear, very important, very meaningful part of my life.
Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, "Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."
For me, then, home is City of Heroes.
- Current Mood:
melancholy - Current Music:"We'll Be Waiting for the Night" - MONSTER OST
What happens when a virtual world is condemned to oblivion? Dedicated players of the online game City of Heroes struggle for the very survival of their city.
Mountain View CA, September 6, 2012: The online heroes of Paragon City are currently in an epic battle. Not against the forces of crime and evil that they have been facing for eight years, but against the decision of a company that is preparing to turn off the game servers and end a game that has been running since April 2004.
NCsoft, the publisher of City of Heroes, announced last Friday that it is shutting down Paragon Studios, the game development studio responsible for City of Heroes. Operation of the flagship will cease by November 30 due to a realignment of NCsoft’s focus.
To its community, City of Heroes is more than just a game, it is a vibrant, welcoming community. City of Heroes was the first online role-playing game for many gamers, and introduced them to the wonders of flying through the skies and battling epic menaces with friends. City of Heroes has brought together families, offered comfort during troubling times, and inspired charities that have raised nearly $30,000 for children, members of the armed forces, and to fight hunger.
The City of Heroes community quickly rallied and formed a campaign to save the game from virtual extinction. “We’ve been saving Paragon City for eight and a half years. It’s time to do it one more time,” said Tony Vasquez administrator of the Titan Network, an alliance of City of Heroes fan sites (http://paragonwiki.com), and one of the organizers of the Save Paragon City! campaign.
Through social media outlets, fan web sites, and the City of Heroes official game forums, players have been organizing projects and events to convince NCsoft to allow the game to continue, exploring options including selling the game to another game publishing company or development studio. The “Keep NCsoft from shutting down City of Heroes!” petition initiated by a community member has gathered over 12,600 signatures and continues to grow. (http://change.org/petitions/ncsoft-keep-n
City of Heroes players have a non-stop schedule of activities to show their support. Saturday, September 8th, players are organizing an in-game “Unity Rally” and Paragon Appreciation costume contest in which players will dress up as their favorite Paragon Studios staff member (http://boards.cityofheroes.com/showthrea
- Current Mood:
determined
1. Der Name der Rose - Main Titles [scenario: Honour is My Guide] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kqTv9U4
2. The Lion King - To Die For [scenario: Secret Agendas] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vCNn6vO
3. Braveheart - Revenge [scenario: The Court of the O'Bannon] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWQhezXb
4. Doctor Who: The Curse of Fenric - Evil from the Dawn of Time [scenario: Alekto's Ghost] - http://youtu.be/-e5ozYmcaDg?t=6m21s
5. 1492: Conquest of Paradise - Monastery at La Rabida [scenario: Knight versus Knight] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ZJj0aI
6. The Truman Show - A New Life [scenario: Wanderers of the Waves] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUjJzk9_
7. The Princess Bride - Once Upon a Time/Storybook Love [scenario: High Society] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhCkaJkS
8. Quest for Glory V - Dance of Mystery and Intrigue [scenario: The Greatest Lover in Theah] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3eUJ27M
9. Quest for Glory V - The Rite of Justice [scenario: A Long-Awaited Duel] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IyS
10. The Princess Bride - The Friends' Song [scenario: ... But Never Noble Memory]
11. 1492: Conquest of Paradise - Conquest of Paradise [scenario: Destiny Has No Secrets] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYeDsa4T
12. The Mask of Zorro - Stealing the Map [scenario: Las Munecas Rotas] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KXGBHAF
13. The Truman Show - Truman Sets Sail [scenario: La Familia] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sA_3JHa
14. Glory - The Whipping [scenario: Blood of the Martyrs] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukx4u5te
15. 1492: Conquest of Paradise - Hispanola [scenario: Sanctuary] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYWhzJcL
16. 1492: Conquest of Paradise - Light and Shadow [scenario: Dying for the Faith] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1exUeK59
17. Gladiator - Sorrow [scenario: Dying for the Faith, Part II] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teT4vLkB
18. The Hunt for Red October - Putin's Death [scenario: Dance of the Fireflies]
19. The Shadow - The Hotel [scenario: Alekto's Ghost] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwqymkO9
20. The Truman Show - Underground/Storm [scenario: Time's Tapestry] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNaGn-j
21. The World is Not Enough - Pipeline [scenario: Running Out of Time] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCMi7QYa
22. Dark City - You Have the Power [scenario: The World is Unmade] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLEBdX_n
23. Shrek - Transformation/The End [scenario: Free at Last] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-RA-m5o
2. The Lion King - To Die For [scenario: Secret Agendas] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vCNn6vO
3. Braveheart - Revenge [scenario: The Court of the O'Bannon] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWQhezXb
4. Doctor Who: The Curse of Fenric - Evil from the Dawn of Time [scenario: Alekto's Ghost] - http://youtu.be/-e5ozYmcaDg?t=6m21s
5. 1492: Conquest of Paradise - Monastery at La Rabida [scenario: Knight versus Knight] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ZJj0aI
6. The Truman Show - A New Life [scenario: Wanderers of the Waves] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUjJzk9_
7. The Princess Bride - Once Upon a Time/Storybook Love [scenario: High Society] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhCkaJkS
8. Quest for Glory V - Dance of Mystery and Intrigue [scenario: The Greatest Lover in Theah] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3eUJ27M
9. Quest for Glory V - The Rite of Justice [scenario: A Long-Awaited Duel] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IyS
10. The Princess Bride - The Friends' Song [scenario: ... But Never Noble Memory]
11. 1492: Conquest of Paradise - Conquest of Paradise [scenario: Destiny Has No Secrets] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYeDsa4T
12. The Mask of Zorro - Stealing the Map [scenario: Las Munecas Rotas] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KXGBHAF
13. The Truman Show - Truman Sets Sail [scenario: La Familia] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sA_3JHa
14. Glory - The Whipping [scenario: Blood of the Martyrs] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukx4u5te
15. 1492: Conquest of Paradise - Hispanola [scenario: Sanctuary] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYWhzJcL
16. 1492: Conquest of Paradise - Light and Shadow [scenario: Dying for the Faith] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1exUeK59
17. Gladiator - Sorrow [scenario: Dying for the Faith, Part II] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teT4vLkB
18. The Hunt for Red October - Putin's Death [scenario: Dance of the Fireflies]
19. The Shadow - The Hotel [scenario: Alekto's Ghost] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwqymkO9
20. The Truman Show - Underground/Storm [scenario: Time's Tapestry] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNaGn-j
21. The World is Not Enough - Pipeline [scenario: Running Out of Time] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCMi7QYa
22. Dark City - You Have the Power [scenario: The World is Unmade] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLEBdX_n
23. Shrek - Transformation/The End [scenario: Free at Last] - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-RA-m5o
- Current Mood:
creative
- Current Location:at home
- Current Mood:
contemplative - Current Music:nothing in particular
- 08:38:47: @jeannevb Remember, only tourists walk around NYC looking up. :) Enjoy my hometown! #pimpUTubeassistant
- 16:10:14: Somewhere in me is a machinima so profound that MMORPG companies across the US will gasp in amazement. I just need to find it and make it.
- 17:34:40: @mistressmousey Meh, kinda figured as much. :( Oh well, hope springs eternal!
- 18:02:56: @Torakusu But I like living in the States... visiting other countries is fine (some moreso than others), but I'd rather stay in the U.S.
- 18:03:38: Just spent the last 30 minutes updating my LinkedIn profile.
- 18:10:29: @scapwell From what I can tell, that's animation, not machinima (yes, there's a difference). :) It's still a damn cool video, though!
- 18:27:42: @scapwell If I had the funds and time to learn Maya and 3dStudioMax, I'd be learning it like mad. Regrettably, at the moment, I have neither
- 19:16:17: @scapwell 1) Are they legal, 2) Are they free, 3) Are they limited-time-only software?
- 20:03:27: Waiting for my pizza to get here - bacon, mushroom, and onion. Plus garlic dipping sauce and icy cold root beer. :)
- 20:12:15: Pizza is here! Nom nom nom.
- 21:17:14: @Slickriptide Any particular reason?
- 21:49:30: You have a pretty good handle on your goals now, but could be ... More for Aries http://twittascope.com/twittascope/?sign=1
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- 10:18:19: Wow, my "Avatar: CoH Style!" video is now averaging ~700 views a day... the word is spreading! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUVWnMAT5xg
- 11:09:27: Today is more job searching, and I am now expanding the search past Phoenix. Three options - San Jose/SF area, Seattle area, and Austin.
- 11:48:27: @BaronBedlam They both have their merits, really, and I owe a lot to the original for how my own came out. :)
- 12:02:08: @LifeExperimentP The number one problem with freelancing is that it is not reliable income. I'm not in a position where I have to guess...
- 12:02:20: @LifeExperimentP ... if I'll be getting a paycheck this week or not.
- 12:50:50: @LifeExperimentP However, I do appreciate you pointing me to the site - I will look into it!
- 13:34:57: Well, in just over an hour, it'll be time to see if which #nfl Cardinals personality is dominant - Jekyll or Hyde... come on, Kurt, beat GB!
- 14:29:25: @Gothess @Slickriptide Pizza? Where?
- 18:12:12: @nyankoframe I've done QA testing before, and am actually pretty good at it. Also good at documenting testing methods and results. Why?
- 18:16:02: And the great @SlickRiptide @nyankoframe @coxagge @tabbifli crusade begins to find me gainful employment in Seattle...
- 18:19:41: *shouting* THEY DID IT! THEY DID IT! The #nfl Cardinals rally in OT to beat the Packers! YESYESYESYESYES!
- 18:21:14: RT @jeannevb its the sword thing... and that accent... WOWZA RT @CTK1: ...You Scots have it goin' on. - There can be only one! (Sorry.) :D
- 18:28:23: RT @MoltenSlowa Calling it right now, Rikti Epic ATs. @MarcianTobay @Samuraiko @gothess - if it is, THAT I will make my next vid. :)
- 18:34:07: @Xacktar Whatever it is, if it's something cool, I will make it my next vid. If it's just Rikti Invasion week, then I want another project.
- 18:34:48: @PennyAsh @jeannevb Best 'b****slap ending' I think I'd ever seen was the end of the anime series CHRNO CRUSADE. Gave me chills. #scriptchat
- 18:35:42: RT @CTK1 Is being Scottish the New Cool @jeannevb? @mickeygomez @Samuraiko @WriteOnRideOn - I've always had a thing for Scots. :)
- 18:40:34: @PennyAsh It's a great series (diverges from its manga, but still great) - if you like anime, give it a go. #scriptchat
- 18:42:52: @PennyAsh @jeannevb Favorite anime series of all time - SAMURAI 7. (Yes, based on Kurosawa's movie... with a few twists.) #scriptchat
- 18:44:22: Oh, no... now the Cards play the Saints? Who am I supposed to root for? Well, at least whoever wins, I can still cheer them on! :D #nfl
- 20:35:32: @mhasko Unfortunately Pittsburgh is not quite an option - I have my reasons for those three cities... but thank you anyway! :)
- 23:54:16: @Paul_Cornell You HAVE sold books! I should know, I own several of them! :D
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- 01:17:55: Now 1:15am and I am in a FOUL mood... and am capping it off by deliberately staying awake til 5 or 6am.
- 01:28:40: Gaming session was fine - no lich, but smacked around 6 goblin vampires. Go us. No, foul mood is for other reasons.
- 01:34:24: If I start talking about it, I'll rant nonstop til 6am & I don't want to do that. I'm just tired, aggravated and frustrated (not that kind).
- 02:17:12: Bugger it, I'm putting sheets on the couch and sleeping in my living room. G'night all.
- 05:17:11: It may seem as if someone is coercing you to get involved in a... More for Aries http://twittascope.com/twittascope/?sign=1
- 11:45:38: Yep, time to regret sleeping on the couch. Even with putting sheets on it, I am now breaking out in a new round of hives. :S
- 13:45:04: @dudieboy I appreciate the advice. Now to find someplace that's looking for a tester! :)
- 13:45:14: @Bactchan Sleeping on the couch? No.
- 22:57:31: I have taken my Benadryl, and now it's time to sleep. Hopefully the itch won't keep me awake. :S
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
- 05:36:51: Your key planet Mars is in the spotlight today, provoking you ... More for Aries http://twittascope.com/twittascope/?sign=1
- 09:05:55: Out and about to run errands today before gaming tonight. Oh joy.
- 15:09:46: @PennyAsh Thanks for the #FF recommendation! :)
- 15:11:08: @mistressmousey I don't suppose, in your infinite wisdom, you can recommend a good person to follow for game trailers, do you?
- 15:12:42: @Xacktar I got Castle, you got BAB. Hmmm... we need to get the rest of the devs' attention, we're too awesome not to notice.
- 15:14:56: @Slickriptide Wow... I will keep that in mind should I ever move to Washington.
- 15:16:32: Not one of mine, but it's a damn funny video - #CoH video set to the song "Little Bit of Luck" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV_PtO1sGow
- 15:56:08: I think I know what my next video project will be - it'll be another music video, and again, I have permission from the band to use it.
- 16:56:53: @dudieboy 'Lo, @edrafalko mentioned you to @mistressmousey (and thus to me) as one to follow who knows the gaming industry (esp trailers).
- 17:13:18: @dudieboy Oops, miscommunication here. I'm looking for folks who DESIGN game trailers, as I want to get into that aspect of the industry. :)
- 17:13:51: @dudieboy Also looking to get in as content/tech writer and editor - I is word geek.
- 17:36:40: @Positron_CoH Prop it up on a book or something? Come on, you're a designer, this is a challenge!
- 17:37:04: @_Aether_ Hey, cold! Out! Get thee hence! Trust me, you don't want me to have to come out there...
- 17:38:05: @majornelson Well, I just applied! But no place to upload my cover letter? I must impress by resume alone...
- 18:12:27: @GadgetDon Well, we'll see! No idea if it'll turn into anything, but I have nothing to lose by trying!
- 18:24:09: @Xacktar @Positron_CoH Hey, Matt! You gonna let BAB and Castle and Ocho and Niv do all the talking 4 u on devs appearing in players' vids?
- 18:24:54: @Xacktar Hey, good vids deserve to have the word spread. Just passing along the karma from so many folks talking about my vid. :)
- 20:09:58: I have my Portabello Mushroom burger from Carl's Jr, fries, soda, and the gaming group is on its way. Let Friday night begin!
- 21:03:59: @OutpostGames Tonight is D&D. We get to go toe-to-toe with a lich. :)
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